Archive for December, 2008


Today I have been so emotional. My cousin buried his wife, the mother of their two children. She was still so young, only 41. They’d been married for 25 years. I thought for a moment that it was like a lifetime, until I remembered that this year will be 12 years for James and I.

I panicked a bit at the funeral today. I felt so much grief for Scott. I know that he wouldn’t want to see her suffer, but I imagine that the mate in him would give anything to have his soul back.

For their daughters, I realize the hole is deep. No one can know your suffering, just as I could never pretend to know theirs. I do share a kinship with them, as my own mother has been gone for a little over 8 years. I am not good at giving people what feels like false sentiments. I hated hearing, “She’s in a better place.” I hated the thin veil of comfort people try to project. I don’t ever say things like that to people who are grieving. Sorry is all I can offer, my deepest sincerity and concern. If that isn’t enough, then I truly gave it my all, nothing hollow.

As a mother, my urge was to gather them up and hen them myself. What help would that be? They are, for all extensive purposes, grown women albeit young ones. I really do ache for them, all three of them. I ache for the mother Shanna left behind, it’s a pain I do not ever wish to endure. No one would want to hold her here in misery, I would never suggest that. I wish their sweet family peace and love. For Shanna, may she fly forever in the hearts of her loved ones, at rest and peace.

Goodnight beautiful Shanna, blessed be.

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I’m sorry…

I’m sorry that people can’t see past hate to the love that lies beneath their idea of  ‘wrong’.

I’m sorry that many innocent children will suffer because of bigots who would ‘save’ them from loving homes. Those who will lie awake at night lonely and cold in homes impersonal and institutional just to be saved from a family that might be different.

I’m sorry that so many loving families will lose the opportunity to love and provide for those children.

I’m sorry that Arkansas is full of people who would not be able to see past their veil of hate, who voted to allow the ban on non-married couples adopting/fostering children.

I’m sorry that statistics are only ‘true’ when they’re on the side of hate.

I hope that the people of Arkansas are sorry, too. January 1st is a sad day for Arkansans. A day when many children will miss out on loving homes just because someone doesn’t want them to have two moms or two dads. Even if it means that they can’t have one mom or one dad (single parent homes aren’t allowed to adopt/foster either with this new law). In the end, the children are the ones who suffer.

We suffer the little children, but only when it befits our needs. Family doesn’t need a gender description.

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Merry Christmas

Happy, content kids rock. I am so in love with my children. I might not be happy with them from day to day but times like today make me remember why I adore them so.

Yeah, they were spoiled. They usually are, our families don’t tend to look at it the same way we do. We went a little over board this year too, probably. But, they all gave this season to a charity, their own money. They were excited to give our relatives their gifts that we’d worked so hard on. My four year old sat patiently while I opened the bag of gifts she’d picked out for me (from all of them), she got so excited when I seen what it was and I exclaimed how awesome. She proudly informed me she picked it all out herself and that she had a little hammer just like mine! It was a tool set that is covered in garish floral patterns, it’s awesome, really! They still have their stockings for in the morning, Santa always fills those. We baked cookies this evening, they’re on a plate waiting for him to stop by and grab a few. Gotta go empty his milk glass right now while I’m thinking about it.

I am so blessed. Bitchy, moody and discontent a good portion of the time, but blessed. I know every one must feel this way but I really am the luckiest person in the world. We don’t have a lot of money, there is nothing that we do that is great, but we have each other and for that I am so thankful. This Christmas Eve I wish you enough and then some.

Happy Day tomorrow!

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So I’m a miserable bitch when I’m sick, right?

My baby girl is so miserable and sick right now with a stomach thing and a fever. She is just like me, she’s whined and cried all day long. It’s so hard to give her the attention she needs with a baby that you don’t want to come down with the same thing. She finally decided that she might be able to eat something if we went to McDonald’s. Needless to say, we went to McDonald’s for dinner. Not exactly healthy but she ate a few fries and a couple of bites from a burger. Housework and motherhood, I rock them. Everything is really messy in the end.

Let’s just hope the baby doesn’t catch it. I hate it when the little ones are that ill. Fevers make me nervous, letting them take their course is really hard. I know that it’s for the best, but my heart hates it.

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Of Band Concerts

Tonight my eleven year old sixth grader was in his first ever band concert. He plays the tuba. They did really well, I was incredibly impressed. He looked so handsome in his khakis and white button up. He is growing up so fast, I will certainly miss the boy he is now but I’m looking forward to getting to know the man he is growing into. He kills me, his voice is changing, poor guy.

My inlaws went to see his concert. They never do things like this, but for those kids they’ll do anything. It’s amazing how babies change people. I love my inlaws, very much. They’ve really shown themselves as pure gold. They don’t seem to notice that I’m not really their own kid. It’s comforting since both my parents are gone.

Christmas is rapidly approaching, does everyone know where there schedules are?

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So I’m late, I just now sat down. hah, just kidding. Actually, we’ve been a little busy but for the most part I have poor feeling childrens. The baby has a snotted nose but is otherwise no worse for wear. The oldest middle child has what I think is probably fifths disease. Which I’ve read doesn’t generally happen twice but I can’t explain it with anything else. I should call the doctor, but I haven’t yet. Maybe in a minute. The rest of them are just grippy, really. They just came home yesterday, they’ve been with my in-laws for the better part of the last week. When they feel bad though, I have to separate my time and visit more than I would any other time. I don’t mind so much, my in laws don’t require it, but the kids believe that they need more attention than any other living human ever. With much everness. If you want me to coddle you, COME HOME. I’m just sayin’.

I am so thankful for what we’ve been given in our lives. Sometimes it gets pushed to the side with all the worry and general every day stuff that goes on. I don’t need to watch the news so much, it’s ridiculous and there’s nothing that me knowing will help. I’m preparing all I can, so worrying only adds to my insanity, I don’t need the help, kthanx. We’re lucky to have love and lots of laughter in our house, what more can a mother ask for?

I’m very nearly done christmas shopping, I’m also quite thankful for that! This year we are going to let the kids buy a toy and donate it to Toys for Tots. I hope they will learn the importance of sharing what they have. I would hate to not be able to give my children something, I hope that this will ease the burden that I know a lot of families are going to feel this season. Especially locally, the layoffs have been ridiculous this past month.

Thanksgiving was good this year, very laid back and quiet. I enjoyed the food, but ate too much. I think I might be developing a stricture or at least some sort of uncomfortable stomach issue. I’m going to pamper my pouch today and tomorrow and see how it goes. Even drinking is uncomfortable. We shall see. This surgery saved my life, I have no doubt. It’s just that sometimes it isn’t as easy as it looks from the outside. I still have an eating disorder, it’s just lurking below the surface.  Another thing to be thankful for, another chance at doing this whole life thing right. Yay.

So yeah, be thankful for all that you have, however little it may be. I am, surely. I am such a sap during the holidays or something. At least this year, wth?

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